Julie, 32, lost her husband to suicide 4 years ago. He was suffering from chronic depression.

Today, she has one important message to share: we all need to listen to what people suffering from mental illness say, and more importantly, to what they don’t say.

This is her story.

“My husband committed suicide four years ago. He shot himself in the head in his car. Our daughter was only 2 years old. He was suffering from chronic depression for over 20 years.

I was with my best friend when we first met, in a café in Verdun. I remember telling her: “You see that man? I’m going to marry him!” 🙂 I started going back to the same place in hopes of running into him. Turns out he was doing the same thing. One day, he bought us dessert, then asked me out. That’s how our story began. 🙂

I loved everything about him. He was very handsome, had gorgeous blue eyes, nice shoulders, a beautiful smile. Plus, he was kind and respectful.

One day, out of nowhere, he canceled one of our dates at the last minute and without an explanation. I felt something was wrong. It wasn’t something he would do. I called him and asked if everything was OK. He answered, “I hope.”

I pushed him a little and that’s when I found out that he was suffering from a depression and that he was in the psychiatric department of a hospital. I wanted to see him, so I took a deck of cards, we ordered some food, and we had a great time. That’s when he asked me to marry him. While in the hospital.

For me, it was something that was common. Everyone is depressed. We hear that every day, don’t we?

Even today, I have problems understanding what a mental disorder is. Back then, I knew even less. Even if he was suffering from a depression, for me it was something vague. I didn’t really know what it meant. I didn’t think it was important enough for me to tell my parents. For me, it was something that was common. Everyone is depressed. We hear that every day, don’t we?

A few things stood out during our marriage: he slept a lot, he was always tired. Extreme behavior is usually a red flag. But despite that, he never raised his voice, or done something to worry about. I never thought he would do what he did.

Sometimes I would ask him why he was being lazy. “Come on! Get up! Let’s do something.” I just couldn’t understand that he simply couldn’t.

And then, one day, I suffered from a depression, what we call the Baby Blues, right after I gave birth to my daughter. I always felt tired. My friends and family kept telling me: “Come on! Get back on your feet! We’ve all had kids, and you can’t even handle one child?” My husband was the only one who understood me. That’s when I started to understand that depression was something real, something that we can’t just move on from.

My husband taught me things about life that I wouldn’t have learned in a million years. He taught me compassion, empathy, everything we don’t learn at school. He taught me to understand people, to listen to them, and, most importantly, never to ignore them.

The night before he killed himself, he wasn’t doing well at all. He sent me messages telling me that my life and the life of my daughter would be better without him. In his head, he felt that if he stayed, his daughter would become a pessimist like him, whereas if he was gone, she would become an optimist like me. That, of course, was completely false.

My husband used to see several therapists. He was medicated. When he killed himself, he was changing treatment. Usually, he was hospitalised when he did that, but this time he wasn’t.

The next day he told me he felt much better, so we got dressed, got ready to take our daughter to school, he kissed us and told us he loved us and left the house. Later, we found him in his car.

When I asked his therapist why he told me he was feeling better when he had decided to kill himself, he told me that it was because he had made his decision and that had given him relief.

The night before his death, I had actually asked for help. I wanted the opinion of another doctor. I called desperately asking for an emergency appointment with one of the best doctors in the city. He called me back 3 months later. It was too late. I begged for help, but there was no psychiatric emergency support at the time, and no one was listening to me.

My husband was very good at hiding his depression. In public, he used to laugh, he needed to be around people, he used to ask me to throw invitations at home. He looked so happy.  Nobody believed it when he committed suicide. And yet, the symptoms were all there.

Today, everyone needs to listen: hospitals, doctors, loved ones. What could have made a difference was if people knew how to listen, not only to what depressed people say, but also to what they’re not saying.

That night, the Embrace hotline (1564) would have saved us, but it didn’t exist yet. “


According to the World Health Organization, Depression is a very common mental disorder , characterized by sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, feelings of tiredness and poor concentration. It can be long lasting or recurrent, substantially impairing a person’s ability to function at work or school, or cope with daily life. At its most severe, depression can lead to suicide.

According to mental health NGO IDRAAC, 1 in 20 Lebanese has considered ending his or her life.

If you feel like you’re depressed, read our article on 8 signs that you might suffer from a mental health disorder.

And if you want to know how to get better, read here about 5 little things that can help you feel better, or reach out to a professional on this list, or watch our video of 5 people who suffer from mental illness who share their tips to get better.

And if you want to know more about mental health in Lebanon in general, read our full investigation!