Stéphanie Rizk, 32, survived 3 suicide attempts.  After her last attempt, she does some research, and understands that she suffers from depression. She decides now and then to ask for help. Here is her story.

 

 

“The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 15. I had a bad day, and I was most probably bullied at school.

 

When I came back home, I went to the kitchen, I saw pills, and I simply swallowed them, without thinking much. I just wanted to cease to exist, I wanted my unhappiness to disappear.

 

This kind of feeling, it comes like this, you get into a very weird trip. There is adrenaline pumping in your blood, and you just feel like ending up everything. You don’t stop to think. If you do, you stop straight away.

Photo by Soraya Hamdan

 

The pills I took were probably not very strong because nothing happened. After this first attempt, I kept having suicidal thoughts and feelings.

 

But I attempted to commit suicide “only” twice more. Once, I was 25, I tried to crash the car against a wall. One year later, I tried to suffocate myself with a pillow. Every time, I was going through a depression, but I didn’t know it.

I just felt very tired, and I was not afraid of dying.

 

But I was not well. I haven’t been well for a long time I think. Since I was a kid and I was  bullied .

 

It started when I was 5 years old. I was in a Catholic school in France, and the other kids used to make fun of me, they called me names:  “Arab”, “worthless”, “stupid”. They insulted me on a daily basis. They also assaulted me sometimes. I remember being locked in the bathroom. I used to lie to my mum and her that I was sick to avoid going to school. For some reason, I didn’t want to say anything at home.

One day, 3 boys pinned me against a wall and stole my money. I didn’t say anything either, because I was ashamed. I should not have felt ashamed but I did.

 

I also grew up very fast. My chest developed before the other girls, and boys acted very “boldly” , they were not afraid to touch me. They called me a “whore” because I looked like a woman. I used to cry over it. I felt bad, I felt dirty. I was shy, I didn’t know how to react. I did everything I could to hide my chest, I almost became a tomboy. I just wanted to be left alone.

 

I felt all of it was  unfair, I felt oppressed. That’s probably why today I want to defend those you suffer:

I wish someone defended me when I was bullied.

 

I started volunteering since my teenage years with NGOs helping drug addicts, taking care of sick kids, protecting the environment… I always wanted to work in this field, but at that time, I didn’t know that you could build a career in an NGO.

So I decided to become a lawyer instead. I applied,  but I couldn’t find a place in the dorms at the university where I had been accepted .

 

As I love to travel, I studied hotel management instead. But I was incapable of keeping a job, I was not happy. I was actually on the brink of a meltdown, but I didn’t realize it.

 

I was living in Lebanon at the time. I couldn’t eat, I always felt heavy, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to see my friends; I had to drink wine to fall asleep and even then, I barely managed to sleep. I’m usually super neat, but I stopped cleaning my room, and I stopped changing clothes. Sometimes, I told my friends that I was going to the mountains, when in reality I stayed in my room to cry and hurt myself.

 

And then when I was 25, I lost my job, and I went through a very painful breakup. I became super aggressive and mean. It’s my friends who made me realize I changed. They told me that I was always playing the victim.

 

One day, one of them told me: “Steph, I believe you’re going through a depression, you should check.” At first, I refused to believe him. I think I felt guilty to be depressed. How could I feel bad when I was that lucky, that privileged? When I had a family and friends who love me?

 

But one week after my friend talked to me, I tried to kill myself for the third time. I felt so bad that the second day, I thought: “Maybe it’s true. Maybe I do have a depression”.  So I googled my symptoms and I realized that yes, it was true, I was depressed.

 

I called my aunt, who works as a life coach, and I asked her for help. I felt that I could confide in her.

 

She gave me the contact of a psychiatrist, who told me that depression is an illness similar to any other illness and that we need to treat it, there is no need to be ashamed of it.  He also told me that one of the reasons I was depressed is because my level of serotonin is too low, and he prescribed me some pills.

 

I never went to therapy, because honestly, it’s too expensive,

and it requires a lot of time and  perseverance to stick to a schedule, and I’m not patient enough for it. I know I need to get help, that I should get into therapy, but for now, unless cheaper solutions exist, I won’t be able to afford one on the long run.

 

According to my doctor, I also suffer from a light form of bipolar disorder. But today I am way better. I think one the reasons is because I’m very aware of what I have.

I reached rock bottom, I don’t want to go back there, so I do everything I can not to.

And I also tell myself that my family and my friends don’t deserve this suffering.

So I’m very careful with my mental state. I know when things start to get bad, when my mood takes a turn for the worst. And I try to get out of it. I’m lucky, I’m surrounded by people who helped me a lot and still help me, they act a bit like my therapy.

 

When I turned 30, I started over. I became Head Volunteer at Greenpeace and I decided that I wanted to work in the associative field.

 

One year ago, I started my own brand of customized fabric bags, Tote 3a Beirut. My objective is to reduce and even eradicate the use of plastic bags in Lebanon.  I know that I do something which has a real impact, and it helps me get better.

Photo by Soraya Hamdan

 

And I want to get better, because I don’t have time to be sad, there are so many causes to defend!

 

I believe that to get better, you have to start by accepting to ask for help. We all need help, even if we believe that we are strong. We are strong, but the biggest strength is to admit when we are vulnerable.” 

 

 

If you feel the need to talk to someone, Embrace’s hotline (1564) is here for you! #youarenotalone

 

This post is part of our special investigation on mental health in Lebanon #LFonMentalHealth.