Leen is 21 years old. She suffers from anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression. These challenges made her stronger. She decided to dedicate her life to improve the mental health systems in Lebanon and in the Middle East, by introducing dance therapy, which helped her feel better. This is her story.

“I had my first panic attack when I was 15 years old. I was studying in my bed when I felt my heart beating way too fast, I couldn’t breathe properly, I felt a huge pain in my chest as if I was having a heart attack. I felt as if my brain was shutting down, as if I was outside of my body. I thought I was dying. My parents ran to my room when they heard me scream and they took me right away to the hospital. Doctors wrongfully diagnosed me with asthma. It will take me years before I get the right diagnosis: I suffer from anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression.

After this episode,  I started having panic attacks on a regular basis, and  I slowly but surely lost control over my life.

I didn’t feel happiness for a very long time

I had trouble sleeping, I mulled over things that “normal” people would not even acknowledge, I was always tired, I could not control my thoughts, small things became huge deals in my mind. For example, if I had to go to university, I started thinking: ‘How am I going to get there? Am I driving? Or is my father driving me? What if we have an accident? What if I lose my legs in this accident? I will never be able to dance anymore, when dance is my passion and life?’

For a very long time, I was not happy. I had no friends, I hated people, I had trouble socializing, I was very strict about things that don’t really matter, like time… and people made me feel stupid, make me feel bad about myself. I was too perfectionist, too organized. My mind was always overthinking and analyzing stuff.

If I could talk to the teenager I was when I was 15… I would tell myself that there is a solution, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thankfully, I discovered psychology at university. I was actually studying to become a doctor and psychology was a compulsory class. I discovered it was my passion.

One day, the professor gave a lecture on mental health troubles. I kind of recognized myself in the chapter about anxiety and panic attacks. I went to see her and explained to her how I felt. She listened to me, and for the first time in my life, I felt accepted, and understood.

In the beginning, I had trouble admitting that I needed therapy, I thought it was for crazy people.

One week after this class, I had a huge panic attack while driving. I went straight to the help center at the American University of Beirut, and I asked to see a psychologist. That’s how I started therapy.

I didn’t say anything to my parents, I didn’t want them to know, I thought they would not understand. Even I had trouble admitting that I needed therapy, I thought it was only crazy people who needed to see a psychologist. Before starting a therapy myself, I had no idea what mental health was, what is OCD, what is depression. If only people knew more about them, if only they knew how important mental health is, things would be so different!

Before starting therapy, I was always depressed or numb. But when I saw how hard my psychologist worked on helping me, I started believing that maybe, there was hope. I started feeling something new, I would say it was happiness, because for the first time someone tried to cure me without judging me. No one before listened to me as he did, and helped me discover my potential and value. Simply put, what I truly desperately wanted, was to feel accepted and loved. And he made me feel that way.

My parents discovered that I was seeing a therapist and that I was taking medication when I was admitted in 2016. I had to be brought up to the emergencies for something I don’t want to talk about. When my parents saw me in the hospital, they told me that they didn’t care if I was taking medication, if I was seeing a therapist, all they cared about is that I feel better 🙂

Photo by Soraya Hamdan

Anxiety gave a meaning to my life

I dropped out from my medical studies and decided to pursue psychology. For the first time in my life, I started seeing my anxiety as a strength and not as a weakness.

My anxiety gave me a passion, a strong sense of organization and a sense to my life. I don’t want to say that anxiety gave me an identity, but it helped me understand myself. Thanks to it, I discovered what I wanted to do in my life:  I want to change the mental health system in Lebanon and in the Middle East thanks to dance therapy.

If I could talk to the teenager I was when I was 15, I would tell myself: please please please, don’t listen to anybody, follow your dreams, because one day you’ll do something extraordinary. I would tell myself that there is a solution, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.