Miriam, 26 , suffers from trichotillomania, a mental health problem where a person feels the irresistible urge to pull out their hair. For a long time, Miriam didn’t know what she had. When she finally understood her problem, she decided to do a coming-out video, in which she explains what she suffers from. Her goal: help people like her understand the nature of their problem to become as free as their hair.

Here is her story.

 

 

“I was 8 years old. I started pulling my own hair out in a quasi unconscious manner, I could not control myself. I felt like an alien and I thought I was the only person in the world who does this. I felt so alone and lonely.

 

One day, I was about 14 years old, Google was becoming popular, I was in my room, bored to death. I decided to try this “Google thing,” which supposedly finds answers to all questions. I started typing down my symptoms; I really didn’t expect any answers, I really thought that what I had was unique to me. So when the word TRICHOTILLOMANIA appeared on my screen, I couldn’t believe my eyes!

 

I was sooo happy! Finally, I discovered that what I have is real; it is a real disorder and I am not the only one suffering from it!

Knowing that other people struggled with the same illness really liberated me.

 

When my mum came back from work that day, I jumped on her and shouted: “Mum, mum, I discovered what I have! It’s a mental health disorder and there are other people also who suffer from it! I’m not an alien!” My mum answered, sarcastically: “And what are you so happy about?”

 

I wanted my illness to look like me, not to take over my life.

The hardest thing for me was to live with lies. You know, when you’re a teenager, you want to seduce, blend in, and it’s hard to admit that you are different, that you have something weird. So when my friends asked me why I had bald patches on my head, I felt the need to lie and answer things such as: “It’s my shampoo, it made my hair fall…”

These lies were very hard for me to keep up with because I’m someone authentic, honest, and I hate hiding my personality and who I really am. I know that lots of people who suffer from trichotillomania hide their bald spots with wigs and extensions. I never did this, I never wanted to hide who I am.  

Few years ago, my trich worsened, I couldn’t stop pulling my hair out; I felt that my illness took over me. I am a dynamic, social, smiley person who’s always surrounded by friends. However at that time, I started isolating myself to avoid lying to people who frequently asked me about ‘the shampoo’ and about my hair, and this highly depressed me.  

It’s when I realized that I was changing that I had a breakthrough. I looked at my face in the mirror and I told myself: “I want to be free, I want my illness to look like me. I am active, rebellious, positive person and  I am open to others.”

This is how I got the idea in 2015 to shoot a video, revealing to people who knew me and also to people who didn’t know me, why I have bald spots on my head.

 

Photo by Yannel Bold

I shaved my head to free myself and own my illness.

Through this video, I wanted to raise awareness on mental health, and fight the stigma against it. I was also hoping to find one or two other people in the same situation as mine in Lebanon.

The video went viral, I got tons and tons of friend requests on Facebook from both sufferers and supporters.  I was on the news everyday on different media channels. In less than a week, I connected with at least 50 people who suffered from trich in Lebanon!

I seriously wasn’t expecting this. Some of the people who contacted me were being bullied because they suffered from trich. They thanked me and told me that my video saved their lives. When their parents saw me speaking, they finally understood that it was not something we could control or that we were doing on purpose.

 

No one should get punished because they suffer from trich.

Therapy helped me tremendously to come out. I had been in therapy for a month when I did the video. It took me some time to find a therapeutic approach that works for me. I finally settled with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It helped me understand myself, understand my illness, and more importantly, it made me aware of the urges and triggers that pushed me to pull my hair. It’s only when you are aware that you become free!

 

Photo by Yannel Bold

 

I started the Facebook page “Free As My Hair Lebanon”  and a blog where I shared information and updates about my journey. I also created a 15-session support group, moderated by specialists and by myself, aimed at educating sufferers, their parents and their loved ones on the science of our situation.

Today, my therapy sessions are mostly booster sessions. I’m happy because every day I learn something new about how my brain works. Unfortunately, there is no cure for trich, and it remains a daily struggle for me, but I’ve learned to live with it.

Thus, I can’t say I’m totally cured, and I know it’s a battle that I’ll have to keep fighting till the end of my life. But at least now I feel free! I’m as free as my hair! :)”