Salim Naufal is a Lebanese father like no other. He disagrees with the cult of virginity until marriage, considering it to be a form of women disempowerment. He criticizes a society of hypocrites who keep on lying to one another. He  proudly claims that he allows his daughter to live with her boyfriend . 

Here is his story:

“My daughter and I talked about sexuality when she turned 16. She was starting to go out with boys, and I told her: “Darling, someday you will fall in love, and you will certainly feel the need to do some things with your partner. Do whatever you like, all I’m asking is for you to take it seriously because it will affect you, and take care of yourself. I trust you and I know you will think twice before doing anything because this is how I raised you”.

It was very important for me to have this conversation with her because I know that lying to myself wouldn’t lead anywhere. I could’ve just told her: “You are not allowed to have sex before marriage, it is forbidden”. I’m sure she would then have done it in secret, like many of her girlfriends who, she tells me, would lie to their parents to spend the night with their boyfriends. 

I didn’t want to delude myself. 

I knew that she was going to pursue her studies in Canada, she was going to be free, and I wouldn’t be there to keep an eye on her. So, I decided that I should at least tell her how to protect herself from STDs, from the risk of getting pregnant, etc. I wanted to have a mature and honest relationship with her. 

Anyway, I never understood the dichotomy: can somebody please tell me why girls must absolutely remain virgins and boys can do whatever they like?

To educate my daughter, my rule of thumb was: everything I was allowed to do, she was allowed to do too. 

This is how I was educated. My mother raised my sister and I equally. If my sister had to do the dishes and help with the house chores, I had to do the same. I don’t know where my mother got this liberal and feminist mentality from, but she managed to pass it on to me. 
In my house, we didn’t differentiate between men and women like many other Lebanese families do, even nowadays. Women in my home weren’t there to serve men, and that’s exactly what I wanted my daughter to understand.
When I got married, I couldn’t care less if my wife was a virgin or not. Why should an “adventurous” man be called “abadai” ( “strong”), and an “adventurous” woman be called easy?   

I also don’t understand the “charraf” culture which means protecting “the honor of the family”. What does it mean? That the girl is a merchandise, and that by losing her virginity, she dishonours the family?
Yes, during the wars in the middle ages, women were bargaining chips, but today, these silly historical reasons don’t exist anymore. However, some families are still attached to that idea for reasons that I can’t understand, and that’s very demeaning to all women and very hypocrite too. 

Because everyone does it in secret ! I know plenty of women who had their hymen redone to get married. This is an archaic mentality where everyone can’t stop lying !

Other than the “physical” aspect, what bothers me about people who glorify the girl’s virginity before marriage, are all the values that come with this mentality; it’s a whole concept of a woman’s worth that comes with it.

It’s the idea of women being there to serve men. That they must stay at home and take care of the house chores. And also the other way around, that a man is responsible of taking care of his wife’s every need. That if he is going through some financial problems, he must fix them alone because his wife depends on him. I refuse to raise my daughter that way.

Since she was a child, I wanted her to know that she only belongs to herself. I insisted she became independent financially and personally. Today, she’s an engineer and takes care of herself. She lives in Montreal with her boyfriend.

She knows I’m always here to help her, but if I ever disappear, I know she can take care of her own needs and will never depend on any man. 

So many women are being badly treated by their husbands, who cheat on them publicly and even hurt them sometimes. These women cannot leave their husbands because they are financially dependent on them. It  revolts me!

I never wanted that for my daughter. I wanted her to be able to choose to leave her partner if he ever treated her badly. We never know how things can get in a relationship. 

I wanted to teach her that the couples who make it are the ones who mutually help and protect each other, so both of them must contribute. 

I believe that we can influence the society we live in with small actions such as allowing one’s daughter to live with her boyfriend. If other people who think like me do the same, one day this will become normal. We need to have the courage to say : “I don’t care what society thinks, I want to live honestly”.

This article is part of our series on sexuality in Lebanon, #LFonsexuality

Reporting and writing: Soraya Hamdan
Translation: Nour Chidiac
Photo: Soraya Hamdan
Editing: MJ Daoud