Lana*, 24, is currently studying at USJ. Her family is Muslim and religious. She’s still a virgin, not because she wants to, but because her ex boyfriend never wanted to ‘cross that line’ before marriage.

Here’s her story.

 « My mother always talked very casually about sex to my brother and I. She is divorced, we live with our grandparents in the family home in Dahieh. We are all religious, but at the same time, we are very open about sexuality. My mother raised us with no taboos. Her wish was that  we could talk to her about anything, and that was the case.

Even though I’m a true believer, I wouldn’t mind having sex with my boyfriend, if we both love each other. We were raised in an Islam that encourages love and values sexuality. Also, I’m not comfortable with blindly following a dogma without thinking about it, I rather prefer the spiritual approach.  Even though some religious leaders make sex sound like a threat, to us religion and love can go hand in hand. Not everyone shares this idea on love and sexuality though. This is the reason I’m a 24 year-old virgin.

I had three relationships. In the first one, I was too young to think about sex. It wasn’t until later that I started embracing my femininity. When I met Karim*, my second boyfriend, I was 19 and was spending the summer in Detroit. The first time we met, I was physically attracted to him : he was so handsome and sexy!  But I never thought he would ever lay his eyes on me: I was only a student and looked like a little girl compared to the man he was.

But one day, we were hanging out at a friends’ place and I was searching for a spot to pray. This caught Karim’s attention: he didn’t think I was a religious girl because in his opinion, I didn’t look like one. Turns out he was a very religious man. He wanted to marry a virgin, even though he had an American girlfriend he had sex with. He was Lebanese,  born and raised in the States: I thought he was as open-minded as I was, but that turned out not to be the case. 

Back then, I was still love blind. We started hanging out. He used to visit me in Lebanon during the holidays. That was when I realized he had an odd way to get to know me. When he wanted to see me, it was always at home when my mother and sister were there.  I had to convince him we needed to go out of the house to get to know each other! I liked him so much, I didn’t pay attention to the red flags.

I also had to make the first move to kiss him ! After a month, I couldn’t take it anymore ! Karim wouldn’t even hold my hand.  So one time, we were alone and I tried kissing him on the cheek. At first, it made him uncomfortable, so he moved away, but then he came along and I finally kissed him on the lips. 

The next morning, we met in Jezzine. I felt like kissing him again, but he didn’t want to. Karim thought we did something bad and “haram”. He made such a fuss about it, so to calm him down and to be able to kiss and cuddle again without him panicking, I proposed we signed a temporary marriage contract, as allowed by the Shia religion. 

Our relationship went on like this for two years, but even with a contract, Karim never wanted to do anything else than cuddling before the “real” marriage. I think he was afraid of God and that he thought I wouldn’t be able to get married if things didn’t go well between us.

 Very quickly, we started having some relationship problems. My freedom and way of thinking annoyed him. He couldn’t understand how a woman could be curious about discovering her body and sexuality, how sometimes I needed to feel pleasure, explore some places and ask questions…he didn’t trust me.  

Many times, he threatened to leave me if he discovered I had fooled around with my ex boyfriend. I always wanted to explore more with him, but he never wanted to. We literally did everything though ,  but when it came to penetration, he never said yes. That’s how it is in our society, girls will do everything but vaginal penetration. I have so many girlfriends who accept to do anal just to stay virgins ! I think it’s absurd, but sadly this is the way it is.

As the days went by, I realized  how different we were, but I never had the courage to leave him. One day, I was at a conference on sexuality with the NGO I was interning  at. The topic was child abuse. Karim called me in the middle of the conference, I was so excited by what I was learning that I wanted to share my excitement with him. He lost it. He started screaming, accusing me of only being interested in sex. That was when I realized I couldn’t take it anymore, that was it. I told him: “Karim, you are a good person, and I am a good person too, but we are not made for each other”.

It took me a while to get over him, because this story really affected me. ButI am glad I went through this because I must say, I am more mature now. And now I know I need an open-minded and respectful man in my life. I don’t believe a man can respect the body of a woman and still ask her to be a virgin.

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for a year now, his name is Nour* and he is adorable. I think I am his first love, even though he’s had sex before. He is religious like me, but when we talk, I can feel how open-minded he is. He never asked me what I did with my exes, and even said that he didn’t care about that because he will respect me no matter what I did with my body. I adore him because of that and respect him even more. I know Nour is madly in love with me, and this is the reason why I decided to wait before having sex with him. I still have doubts about our future together, and I’m worried he’ll get too attached if we have sex. If we ever break up after that, he may get hurt. I have already been through a break up and I know how badly it hurts, while he has never broken up with a girl he really loved. It will be even harder for him to break up with me if we had sex already, don’t you think?”

* name has been changed

This article is part of our series on sexuality in Lebanon, #LFonsexuality

Reporting and writing: Soraya Hamdan
Translation: Nour Chidiac
Illustration: Eva Besse/ photo by Francisco Moreno on Unsplash
Editing: MJ Daoud