Rita*, 28 years old, grew up in a very conservative Christian environment. She can’t talk about sex with her parents and friends, who don’t share her point of view on the subject. She firmly believes that having sex with your partner before tying the knot is vital to make sure that you are compatible.

Here is her story.

“The first time I had sex, I was 26 years old. My boyfriend was a Lebanese guy who lived abroad. I always felt very comfortable with him, so I thought why not? At first, I didn’t tell him I was a virgin because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable or to make a big deal out of it. When he realized I was actually a virgin, he was surprised and asked me why I didn’t tell him; he said he would’ve been more careful if he was aware of it. He was always caring and gentle with me, so I am glad my first time was with him.

Back then, I only talked about it to a very close friend of mine who had lived in France, I knew she wasn’t going to judge me…It’s not a subject I can discuss with just anyone here. Sadly in Lebanon, even among the young generation, the mentality hasn’t changed much, a girl’s virginity is still holy and untouchable.  

Even in my inner circle of friends, there are many I can never tell what my real opinion on the subject is, and I don’t dare tell them I’m not a virgin anymore. I understand them though, and I don’t blame them, because I used to think like them. I too would’ve said things like, “Would you ever buy a can that is already open?”. We all have been raised with the idea that sex is bad. 

For people to evolve and change their mind, they must be exposed to other people from different countries and cultures, and to situations that not everyone has the opportunity of living.

I grew up in the North of Lebanon. There, people claim they’re open-minded, but I’d say it’s not true. I am a Christian and a believer, but I don’t think it’s religion who has imposed a taboo on sex, rather, it’s men and the Church who did.

My parents are also believers but are much more open-minded than their entourage. I still can’t talk to them about sex before marriage. I know they’re opposed to it, not because of religion, but because they want to protect me from society.  

I remember having this conversation with my mother when I turned 24 and was about to pursue my studies in Italy. She told me: “Be careful, we are open-minded but not as much as Europeans are”. She then told me the story of  how back when she was still at university, some of her friends had sex with their boyfriends. Afterwards, these boys broke up with them thinking: “if she did it with me, she can do it with anybody else”. I think my mother was afraid men would leave me, and I wouldn’t be able to get married anymore if I ever lost my V card.  

What she didn’t know was that at the same time, one of her best friends told me something that meant a lot to me: “Rita, you might fall in love there, it happens. If you do, please protect yourself”.  

In Italy, I didn’t meet anyone I got intimate with. Then, when I came back to Lebanon and had sex for the first time, we used protection; in fact, I always did. 

After my first love, I had plenty of Lebanese boyfriends. They never judged me. I must admit, I don’t choose just anyone. When I meet someone, I always make sure that we are on the same page, that he is open-minded about sexuality and about other things too. This is really important to me because I will never go out with someone who thinks a woman should stay a virgin before marriage. It’s a question of principles. It means he doesn’t respect me as a woman who is entitled control over her body. I prefer staying alone than being with someone who thinks that way. 

So when I meet a man, I have my own techniques to see what type of person he is. I bring up subjects like homosexuality, girls living alone in Beirut…and I observe his reaction; this technique is not always 100% effective, but if he is homophobic, there are chances he  also has issues with non virgins; and if that’s the case, I say “next!” 🙂

Today, not only am I open-minded about sex before marriage, but I’d say it’s an imperative for me. How will I  truly know the person I will spend the rest of my life with if I never get intimate with them? How will I know if we are going to be sexually compatible? When they get married, many people face sexual problems: no chemistry, premature ejaculation, impotence…Sex is important in a relationship and I am pretty sure that if  a lot of Lebanese couples divorce nowadays, and if a lot of people are unhappily married, it’s because they didn’t take the time to really get to know each other before”.

*the name has been changed

This article is part of our series on sexuality in Lebanon, #LFonsexuality

Reporting and writing: Soraya Hamdan
Translation: Nour Chidiac
Photo: Eva Besse/ Chad Madden on Unsplash
Editing: MJ Daoud