Jad*, 29, has been raised in a “traditional” family of Christian roots. For a long time, he considered sex before marriage to be a sin, and couldn’t conceive “doing that” to the girl he loved. Then, he had an experience that completely changed the way he thought about love, sex and life in general. 

Here’s his story:

“ The first time I had sex, it was with a Lebanese girl who lived in the United States. It happened in 2009, her name was Mira*. I was 20. We first met at a party. She was spending the summer vacation in Lebanon, and I fell in love with her when I first laid my eyes on her. Our relationship was quite platonic, though. We only exchanged phone numbers and texted all year long because Mira had to return to the States after the summer was over. 

One year later, when she came back to Lebanon, I was still head over heels for her. I felt the need to impress her, to dazzle her, so I asked her out and took her to trendy places. All I wanted was for her to be happy…

Then, I felt the need to express my love physically too. But back then, I had a whole different mentality. I come from a very Christian family. When I was younger, I used to go to church almost every Sunday and even took part in Bible school…

Therefore, since I was a child, I was raised with the idea that “sex before marriage is bad, is disgraceful and very direspectful to the person”, even though no one literally said it that way to me. I couldn’t even imagine having sex with a girl I genuinely loved. I thought I would hurt her, or even worse, disrespect her. 

For this reason, I always tried to keep the relationship we had  with Mira within acceptable limits, until one unforgettable night: we were spending the weekend at a music festival in the Bekaa with some friends. We danced, drank and had a great time. At some point, Mira and I went for a car ride so we could spend some time alone. We started off kissing in the car, then one thing led to another, and we ended up doing it. I wasn’t scared, but I must say I felt really pressured because at some point I didn’t know what to do and it seemed she was much more experienced than I was. It was my first time, so it definitely wasn’t my best. 

The next morning, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt: I thought I did something wrong, that I hurt her…so I called her and apologized, I remember literally telling her “sorry”.    

She told me that we didn’t do anything wrong. But a few weeks later, she walked out on me because she didn’t think a long distance relationship could work. She went back to the United States a bit later. My heart was shattered. I must say that for a long while I thought she broke up with me because we had sex! 

It’s only now that I understand that I had no reason to feel guilty, that we were two consenting adults, and that sex wasn’t the reason for our break-up.

I think that was the only time in my life I ever had sex with a girl I was in love with.

After Mira, I only had sex with girls who knew we weren’t a couple, and accepted the fact that the attraction between us was purely physical; most of the time, the girls weren’t Lebanese; the Lebanese girls I met never wanted to sleep with me without promises of a serious relationship and/or even marriage. 

I did fall in and out of love again, but I was still haunted by the idea that I must never sleep with a girl I love.

Until I turned 24 and I went through a phase that I call “my personal transformation”.

At that time and without knowing it, I was going through a very bad depression. All I felt was great pain, I was questioning my faith, my own existence, my relationship with my parents, friends and girlfriend, everything… So I left my job, my girlfriend and I isolated myself.

For six months, I was in the dark. I reached rock-bottom. Day and night, the worst thoughts were haunting my mind. When I think about it now, I embrace what I went through because when I could finally see the end of the tunnel, after being rushed into the emergency room twice and been under the supervision of doctors and therapists, I finally found myself again.

I finally could tell the difference between what was important to me: being free and self-fulfilled; and what wasn’t: society, money, the opinion of others… so I freed myself from everything that didn’t allow me to grow: religion, negative thinking, social taboos, judgemental friends and connections, and all that crap. I started seeing the bigger picture and started hanging out with people who had the same mindset and were open to all discussions.

After being “reborn again” -that’s how I call it- my opinion  changed on many subjects including my love and sexual life… Now, when I sleep with a girl, I aim to fulfill myself intellectually, spiritually and sexually. 

Since my rebirth, I had plenty of physical relations, but nothing serious, mainly because I am focusing on my personal and professional growth. I believe I’m not done building my personality. I often meet attractive girls, but most of the time they’re not Lebanese.  I rarely ever try with the Lebanese ones. Many of the Lebanese girls I meet aren’t comfortable with the idea of pure “sex”. I think they’re not mature enough : they want to be with me, but not at a physical level. I’m over this phase now. The new me wouldn’t marry a virgin. I would think she’s not mentally mature yet, so we would not be on the page.

Also, I am now more spiritual than religious.
What matters to me is the human being: Being good and doing good. That’s my aim in life. The same goes for my sexual life, I have values: I never hurt myself or my partners, we always try to be on the same page. I won’t sleep with someone and make them think that I’m in love with them if this isn’t the case. But if we’re both willing, what is the problem? And if we fall in love? Why not ! If we don’t end up marrying each other that’s also not the end of the world, is it?”

* name has been changed

This article is part of our series on sexuality in Lebanon, #LFonsexuality

Reporting and writing: Soraya Hamdan
Translation: Nour Chidiac
Illustration: Eva Besse/ photo by Max Sandelin on Unsplash
Editing: MJ Daoud